Monday, May 01, 2006


Yes, this would be an entry of substance, at least for me, after some time, a long long time.

I would have to certainly admit, now after everything is all well over, Defence of The Ancients is certainly the thing that wrecked my life, knocked me off the path that was all set waiting for me. Perhaps that wasn't the life that was waiting for me. I must once again admit, that i lost my confidence at that point of time, as i once considered whether that was the life that i could lead, that was what i thought when i knew i couldn't make it. Sounds like a 'loser' huh? Thats what i am.

Games after every paper is certainly not the way to revitalise and prepare yourself for a paper the next day. It was a let down, certainly not a beautiful one. I failed many. My father, who never once reprimanded or inflicted physical pain on my palms through my 16 years of my life. My mother, who took on the responsibilty to look after me and my brother, despite the fact that she had just made her mark in her career at that point of time. My brother, who constantly reminded me of revising my work and not to follow in his footsteps. My teachers, that had placed their trust in me, to think that i would make it. Also my friend, who always thought that i would do well, and wished me well, although he knew that if i did well, distance would be the thing that separates us once again.

All i can say is --------' nothing'. I could not say sorry. Neither could I blame it on the school. This might be the case of the fellow gong jiaos in my year, to blame it on the school, but definitely not for me. I had the best teachers in the school. I had the strongest competition in the school, 4805 , if that is what you need to succeed.

All i can do, is to keep my head down and say i deserve it.

I couldn't be more ashamed by myself. Now as i sit before this 17" screen, reflecting on my life before and after the examinatiions, I feel really really ashamed of myself.

To be frank, 8-9 points was what i was aiming for, perhaps this seemed to be a feat to many before the examinations, but it certainly was below my personal standards. The question is why did I set that as my target? It was me being lethargic and lazy. Confidently thinking that A1/2 would be for my L1. A1 for Geography, A1 for combined humanities. A1 for normal chinese. And A1 for my chemistry and perhaps A2 for biology or physics.

As you might be wondering, where is maths??? I decided to leave it aside as i believed that i didnt need them, I sought for help under Darryl just because i didn't want to see a C on my certificate.

What kind of mentality is this???

What i got was a slip in a grade for every subject that i aimed for. What did it leave me with? Doubling my points with respect to my prelims. Fuck it, that was what i told myself when Mrs Chung handed me the result slip, as I was throughly convinced that I didn't see sufficient A1s on the orange paper. Nobody knew how i felt, as i was used to keeping feelings to myself.


Now on to the brief spell i had at VJC. To be frank once again, that wasn't where i wanted to go initially, it was because of my friends that i had chosen that place. No offence to any VJCians, as the whole lot of you are definitely superior to those in AJC, whether in terms of character or intelligence or emotional intelligence.

After the first 3 weeks in VJC, I began thinking whether i was cut out for this place, or whether i could stay in this place. Never did I ever talked about my prelim results to my classmates. All i did was to skip lectures and attend tutorials. I attended school, should i use the word 'attend'?, without going for any lectures or tutorials.

Yes, with my pedigree, I managed and could keep up with the rest.

Also, I was quite happy or at least I smiled when my classmates openly admitted that i was in fact more capable than them, in the various aspects.

Now as i reflected, why did i feel happy when they said that. It was an insult to myself in disguise, that was not the reason why they said that, but it was infact a reminder or crudely put, an insult coming from the one above us.

Then, i did not feel the slightest agony or pain for not being able to stay at VJC, until i got to AJC. Such a loser isn't it.

These were all the things i remembered form my time in VJC, apart from the time that we had always spent at the tree houses.

Let memories be memories.


What are the things that i value? haha. what is the yardstick/ criteria/gauge???

To my links on this very blog. I believe its time to remove some. Some that i do not truly value or have certain regards. I think that is closer to my way of doing things as a person. For those that i remove, its not that you failed as a person. However, its that a loser like me isn't fit to have relations of any sort with you.

Gone were my secondary years.

I must admit that i have fallen in my standards after i ended my time with the Catholic High Debating Team. But this isn't relevant. Hahah.


No guarantee for a hardworking marvin in the future, but at least you have a marvin with his thoughts sorted out. Rejoice my friends!!!


If you had taken time off to read through ALL these, it would only make my love for you even greater, my bond with you even stronger. Or if you managed to comprehend all these, congratulations, you are at least at my frequency, if not higher. If you knew all these even before you read this, i guess you are good enough to be my spouse. ( Disclaimer: No guarantee, because I know ONE, who well knew all these before this entry, and he is a GUY).

Listen to the song I have prepared for you on this very blog. Also , listen to 'no promises' by shayne ward.

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